Hello. Please allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Juliana Marie Smith. I am finally happy. No, I don't have the job I want for myself. And no, I don't make as much money. Yes, my family is too far away from me and yes I often have a hard time making time for friends. Sure, I'm a slob and sure I don't have a boyfriend (ick). Life, by a shot there, isn't perfect but, I don't care.
I am happy. It's 2013! It's a brand new year. 2012 was kind and patient. It saw me through some messy times. Crashing my car, breaking my tooth, drinking too much, loads of insecure thoughts and ideas, a rebound relationship, a lack of creativity. It also guided me to wonderful new things, my internship at the aquarium and everything I've learned there. A brand NEW car. Experiences bird banding, glorious experiences. Motivation and determination. Trips to the parks with my brother and excellent sights. New friends. New kitties.
The best part of all, though? 2012 safely guided me to 2013 with no close deaths. No grief. No fear. No darkness. It allowed me to finally work through my past without having to tack new things to my current issues. I made it! Goddammit, I MADE IT!
I used to say that I felt drunk all the time, pulled and tugged by life and acting on impulses. I still feel drunk, but not because I feel out of control. Instead, I feel constantly giddy. I feel it right now. My mind is fizzing with giddiness! I wish I could pass this feeling along to you, reader.
It took over a year, but I have finally realized and accepted that I am who I am and what's happened to me has happened to me and I love myself anyways. I love my life anyways. I am confident and proud and in control. I am going to rock this lifetime. I am going to own it. I am going to do what I want and find happiness at every turn. I will, because I can and I KNOW it.
I am definitely changed. I cannot say truthfully that I am the same person who graduated from the College of Charleston in May of 2010, the day before my life was plummeted into darkness. But I can say I am no longer in darkness. I have traversed that terrifying terrain and come out of it a better person. This year ahead of me holds so much opportunity for greatness. I feel it. I feel it beating right under the skin of my day to day life. Like the heart of a loved one, I feel it and believe in it.
This year will be a year of thoughtfulness, kindness, creativity, love, motivation, passion, progress, fun, patience, confidence, and adventure. I will never apologize to anyone for being myself this year. I will never apologize to MYSELF for being myself this year. I will stride and conquer. I will give and forgive. I will paint and provide. I will unapologetically be myself this year. I will bring up Zach and Samantha. I will talk about them as though they have never been gone and I will tell their stories and brush off the "I'm sorry"s given to me. I'm not sorry, I'm Juliana.
Sorry is a stupid word anyhow. Who ever really means it? And who ever really believes you when you really mean it? It holds a lot of nothing. It's just a word. Do not expect to receive a sorry from me this year, expect to receive a token or action. Something that shows my feelings more than words ever will.
This year begins with someone else's grief. It's on my mind and the moment I discovered the tragedy, I could not help myself from crying. A woman I met through my internship lost her husband unexpectedly right before the new year. An entire year is baring it's teeth at her, full of uncertainty and grief, healing and loneliness. I want to give her something because I know nothing I say will bring peace, no matter how hard I try. I've decided to give her what Zach's oldest sister gave me when he died. Joan Dideon's A Year of Magical Thinking. When I saw her this past week at the aquarium, just a WEEK after she lost her husband, all I could do was hug her, hold her, try to pass on some sort of warmth or hope or anything. I did not say a word. What do you say? I can't remember one thing said to me that made me feel better, but I do know I've despised every "sorry" I received. So instead, I will act. Actions, after all, speak louder than words.
2013, I won't let you down and I will not allow you to let me down. I will do everything I can to not only enjoy as many happy moments as possible, but to also spread as many happy moments as possible. I have incredibly high hopes and I will do everything I can to see them come to light. Because I am, let's face it, pretty marvelous. And it's time I start acting like it.
Love,
Juliana
