I've been feeling a pull to write in here instead of my private journal lately. I suppose I want people to pay attention and this is the only way I know how to give em what I'm holding back.
Life in general is good, but there is an undercurrent of discouragement, boredom, loneliness, and impatience lurking beneath my happy countenance. I feel like I've come full circle in feeling the same feelings I reported when this blog was first started. A general frustration with the lack of progress & happiness in life. At least before, when I was working at CreateSpace and not really progressing at all, I had Zach to fall back on. To encourage me, make me feel as though I wasn't completely idle, to keep my spirits up when they fell.
Now I don't really have anyone to do that. Just myself. And man, is it an internal battle almost daily. If I don't develop multiple personality disorder by the end of this year, then I'm gonna be pretty proud of myself. I'm pretty professional when it comes to ignoring the dark thoughts flitting in and out of my consciousness, but it's only because there's Juliana Pt1 and Juliana Pt 2 and who knows how ever many other Juliana Pts. Whenever the downer Pt 2 speaks up and calls my attention to my permeating lonliness, the determined to be optimistic Pt 1 puts it back in it's place, counts it's blessings, or calls upon the industrious Pt 3 to distract pt 2 with menial chores or distracting novels. Pt 4 is the pt hanging out with everyone. The pt that ignores the arguments between pt 1 and pt 2 and the impulses to clean something from pt 3, so that I may effectively have fun with people.
But me, Juliana, is so tired of myself. Tired of being alone almost everyday, even at work. Seriously wanting someone to dedicate their lives or time to making sure I'm not sinking into Pt 2 or that Pt 1 isn't failing at it's task (because sometimes it does, and that sight is the saddest, most pathetic sight to behold. no one ever ever does.)
All in all, I am suffering from a loneliness I just cannot kick. And a tug towards God knows what. Something. Some greater purpose. I'm worth more than this, I know it. I'm tired of the fog i constantly live in just to make it through the day without really feeling the passing hours. I am sleep walking. I do laugh a lot more these days than I may have ever laughed at any other point in life, but it all feels so empty. I can't even properly express my concerns, care, love, gratefulness to those who are around me of their own free will because I'm just so empty. Except for all the Juliana parts, I guess, but each of them is empty in turn.
Where is my motivation to move forward? And once I find it, where will it move me forward to? And more importantly, how DO i find it? I feel, like i said, SO discouraged. I am so impatient, I want to know NOW where my happiness will find me in my trek through life.
Waa! What on this great green earth can I use to fill myself back up so I might someday be worth the happiness I want!? Because everything I try, painting, reading, hilarious tv, kitty owning, chores, drinking, friend hanging out, sleeping, working, bike riding, all of it inevitably ends with me right back in my room, alone, weary, and so uncertain that I'll ever be happy with who I am.
And the struggle continues. Back into my sleepy, hazy world I slip in order to move with alacrity to work.
a pretty fitting anthem.
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