Post Six: Happenings

Seven weeks ago today, I took the time to post a post. How much has... shifted.

I'm at the library. Here are the books I have picked out to check out:

- The National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Fossils
- Feng Shui Made Easy
- Biology, The Easy Way
- Container Gardening for Dummies
- Anatomy of a Business Plan
- How We Die
- The Female Brain
- and Your Career Game

So. What is it I've been doing these past 7 weeks, you ask? And, without hesitation, I will tell you this: I have been brooding. Simmering. Changing. Cooking. Heating up and congealing.

ew.

Let us get to the point. None of this fancy, fluffy mess I type.

You know how when I first wrote a post, I talked about how I'm not really sure who I am and I couldn’t really find my voice. All I knew was that I was different from who I had been before. The biggest baddest part of it all was that I'd lost my words. My means of communication. I stopped talking about the way I felt. I stopped thinking about the way I felt. I ignored everything. I became numb.

Slowly, I started to thaw. I guess you'd say that back in the winter is when my emotions were beginning to become a part of me again. But they were the bad kind of emotions. The ones that I'd been hiding from the most. Loneliness and uncertainty. Doubt. Regret. Remorse. Pain. Just.. not goodness all around.

It took me a while to swim out of that mess. That swampy, seaweedy, murky, slimy, mess. But, I made it. And? I'm ok.

I'd say that when spring started coming around with light and birds and flowers, everything started to change for me. I became more in tune with the world around me. the natural world. The human world..the world of smoke, construction, jobs, money, gas, groceries, trash. That world..well, it's there, and I'm close to it, being human, but my connection with it and my desperate need to hold on to it began to weaken. And I started to live again. See and smell and feel the air and wind and sun and flowers. Ah!

Anyhow. Now..now, I would say that I'm almost 100% back. I still have my doubts. I'm still a horrible decision maker. I'm still often despairing about my current job situation. I still sometimes would rather do unnamable hobbies and sacrifice progress..but hey. I'm 22. Where's the fire?

Here are the newest, most positive ideas in my life:

1. I am moving at the end of the year. I am moving away from here. I will begin again.
2. I have found prospects for my moving place. Prospects that will hopefully help me network and navigate my way through the world to my dreams.
3. I have an adventure planned. It is my escape from reality now. It will be my escape from reality when it happens. But it will be reality.
4. I have paid off one credit card of two. I am now 100% confident that I am responsible enough to save money.
5. I do not want to go back to school yet, but I do want to learn. I do not think it's necessary for me to go to school to have my dreams. But I do think it is necessary for me to learn.
6. One day, maybe not for many years, I will have my own home with my own garden. This garden will be my sanctuary.
AND
7. Based on my recent behavings, I am once again Juliana. My name, once again, fits me. Who I was before Sam's death and who I am now are almost synonymous. Almost.

I have confidence in life again. I am scared, yes, of the ticking clock counting down the seconds of my life. I am also bored with my current situation. But.. I am in control. I will make everything work in my favor. And I will do that, starting..

now.

Ah, hello, Anatomy of a Business Plan. Lend me your secrets. ;)