Post Twenty-Eight: Patience is a Virtue

So hello. I've been avoiding writing down my feelings because I have been chastised for writing things in a blog that anyone can read. It has been hinted to me that it is insensitive to others and causes worry. So now I feel somewhat ashamed for feeling like I'm feeling and that's causing me to hide. Which, I'd like to remind you, is not what we want in this situation.

I've been having a down couple of days. Since Saturday, actually. Especially yesterday. I found myself crying for seemingly no reason at all or..for a reason, but the crying was prompted for what seemed like no reason. And the worst part was that I wasn't able to control when my crying stopped very well. Normally, I can have a short bout of tears and turn it off when I need to, but yesterday, I was not in control of that waterspout, it would flow with or without my permission.

I've mulled over and over the reasons for why I'm no longer able to keep my emotional aegis stolidly in it's place and I believe there are a few factors at play. The weather, for one. We've officially entered a period of gray skies, wind, and always immenent rain. Yesterday, I went over to a friend's house and stuck around despite no one being there. It was nice to pretend I was in my "own" place, you know? But it was also really sad for me because when I went outside to read alone, the wind was too strong and a storm was clearly on the way. And so I burst into tears. I kept telling myself I was crying because I do not want it to rain and that is partly true, but also just a disguise. But the fact of the matter is that outside is my refuge. If it rains, I'll be confined to inside. Inside is too heavy, too dark, brings about memories too easily, too restrictive, etc. I cannot stand the thought of being unable to flee to outside whenever I feel like I'm going to crumble.

For two, i blame the time of the month. my hormone levels are fluctuating and that can make for a very unstable, volatile, emotional lady.

And for three, I'm finding myself pulling away from people like I did before. I'm finding myself speaking about Zach less. I'm finding myself hiding from everyone when I'm down, instead of alerting them to the problem so they can help me out. That's not good. That's what I did after Samantha. I'm beginning to reject everyone because they aren't who I want. But who I want are not available.  At the same time, I'm beginning to reject everyone because I fear that they no longer have the time to commit to me whenever sadness strikes. Like I have gone from being understood to being a burden. Does that make sense?

I'm sure that last part isn't true to the people I suspect of feeling this way, but I can't shake that thought. So instead of turning to others, I wallow quietly in my own misery.

Anyways, last night I spent myself some more alone time outside by the dock. The dock. What a therapeutic place to be. I'm drawn there. It was late at night and I was alone, which is no big deal, I don't mind being alone (unless I'm crying. I always want to be caught crying, but somehow never am.) and sometimes it's very liberating. I was singing songs to myself, melancholy songs, songs that were made up and designed to explain how I'm feeling to myself and Zach. And it dawned on me that the number one reason I'm getting down (other than the fact that Zach is gone and I'm beginning to become acutely aware of that with every movement of my body, every flutter of my thoughts) is impatience.

I'm impatient. Impatient to be happy again. Impatient to have the sunshine again. Impatient to know love again. Impatient to be confident again, not so much in myself, but in life going the way I plan. Impatient to find out who I am again. That was something else I also realized last night. I have to find out who I am again, because with the death of someone you've given yourself to, you lose some of yourself and gain something from them and, in addition, from their death. I'm not sure what it is I've gained from Zach's death yet, but I think it's a bit of a mean streak. I'm amused by this, but mostly because I can laugh when other people flat out hurt themselves now and have developed an acumen for making bitter jokes. And I never thought i'd say this, but watching people wipe out is hilarious. (America's Funniest Home Videos now holds opportunity for me to laugh in a way I never have before!)

Here's a thought I also had. I'm worried that since I was loved so much, so fully, for quite some time, that I've grown confident I will be loved like that again. But maybe I'm blinded by Zach's love into thinking that there will be someone else who loves me the same way. And Zach was also incredibly unique, so I fear I'm being delusional thinking that that type of love will exist for me in the future.

At the same time, I fear that I will reject any love that comes my way if it does not equal or surpass the momentousness Zach's love was. Which I don't necessarily deem bad..but if that's the case, I may require more patience than I previously anticipated.

I wish I could tell you, describe to you, clearly and concisely so that you could fully understand what we shared. I can't explain it to you in a way that you can understand, though, unless you've been there before. Words are futile devices. But everyone deserves to know that kind of love. (For I believe there are different kinds of love and that it's possible to go your whole life being in love, but not knowing a love like what we had. An all encompassing, accepting, trusting, shameless, considerate, respectful, adoring love. I was truly myself with Zach in a way that I have never been with anyone else my whole life. All fear of embarrassment was gone when I was with him. I hope he felt, and i do believe he did feel, the same way.)

But I'm on a wild tangent here. The fact of the matter is that I must be patient. Impatience is driving me wildly into despair. So, to get to the other side, I must hold my horses. I must be content to wait and just live my life in the meantime. I must not make any rash decisions. I must not jump at my first chance of a relationship. I must wait until the time is right. I know this.

Anyhow. I've been having a hard time taking delight in the small things these past few days. I think last night was the beginning of my upward climb back to being positive and as happy as this time permits, though. Robin, Meghan, Olivia, and I went to see "What's your number?" last night and I cried the whole way there as silently as I could. It was one of those uncontrollable cries. Plus it doesn't help that the movie theater is smack dab in the area where Zach and I lived our happy life together, so everything is a reminder. I eventually just closed my eyes, hoping that would help, but it really made no difference. Self pity has taken over, so even if i'm cut off from stimuli, I can still find a reason to cry.

But that movie, wow, did it cheer me up. We came out of it and I felt like me again. It was funny and cute and, you know, girl trying to find love finds love without realizing it's there. That kind of thing. I don't expect anything like that to happen for me again for some time, and thus the reasoning behind my "patience" idea, but it gave me hope for myself at least. So even if i'm alone for a little while, a long while, whatever, I will be alright. (It's like they say, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.)

Circular reasoning prevails!

So, here are the few things that did brighten my day. This one is incredibly odd, but yesterday after biking back from the empty friend's house, I was feeling extremely down, i mean.. crying just intermittently without control. I decided that despite the baleful weather, I'd take a longer bike ride home so I could gain control of myself. I turned onto a street in Zach's parent's subdivision that I'd never turned onto before and was pedaling my way around when I notice ahead of me the most amusing sight (and surprising, too) I've seen in a long while. I believe my vocal reaction was, "No way. Am i really seeing this? Thank you powers that be." What was it that I saw? I saw a penny-farthing. What is a penny-farthing, you may ask?  It's this:

I followed that penny-farthing rider all over the neighborhood, very creepily I might add, and smiled the whole time. It turned out that this rider was in fact a woman, I originally assumed it was a man. She was wearing this beige, almost safari-ish hat that just.. oh it totally made the scene. And she lives at the same intersection the Jones' reside. 

What a find! She did eventually catch me following her and I never said anything to her because I was embarrassed to be caught, but I hope I see her again so I can let her know how much her hobby did for me yesterday when I thought nothing could cheer me up. 

I also purchased 15 books for $10.50 yesterday at a big book sale downtown. Want to know what they are (i'm excited about all of them!)?: 

- The Worlds Fifty Best Short Novels [In Ten Volumes] Vol. 8. 

          It was published in 1928, is pocket sized, and contains the following four stories: 

            1. "The Flower of Spain" by Joseph Hergesheimer

            2. "Twenty-Three and a Half Hours' Leave" by Mary Roberts Rinchart

            3. "Smith and the Pharoahs" by H. Rider Haggard

            4. "How Gavin Birse Put It to Mag Lownie" by Sir J. M. Barrie (haha, that one sounds amusing)

- The House of the Seven Gables

- The House of Dies Drear 

- The Word Lover's Dictonary: Unusual, obscure, and preposterous words. (I picked this one out because of the word "dendrophilous")

- Art AFTERPieces (This contains pictures of famous pieces of art that have been painted over so that something modern has been added in. Imagine "Portrait of my Mother" by Whistler with a television set painted in so that his mother is comfortably watching TV.)

- A book of Emily Dickinson's poetry. (Inspired by a good friend I met because of Samantha) 

- Get Thee to a Punnery  (A book of puns!) 

- Simple Life, Simple Poems by Michael Czarnecki. Poems about living the simple life in the great outdoors. 

- The Subway Chronicles. A book of essays about the "tales, dramas, and comedies that unfold during the daily commute" on the subway. 

- There's a Word for It!: A Grandiloquent Guide to Life.  I got this book because I constantly find myself thinking "oh...what's the worrrrrdd!?". 

- Houseplants. An amateur's guide to growing plants indoors. 

- The Big Book of the '70s: True Tales from ten years of tackiness and tumult! (It's a comic book containing over 50 of the world's top comics artists). 

- Behind a Mask: The Unknown Thrillers of Louisa May Alcott. The reason I purchased this book is because it says that it is "by far the better way to become acquainted with Alcott's racier side." Oooh la la! 

- Generations by Pattian Rogers. It's a book of poetry containing "densely detailed, thickly textured poems describing the natural world and one's place in it." 

and finally! 

- Webster's Pocket Thesaurus. Which i promptly put into my handbag. 

Whew! I forgot about some of those books! I've got quite a bit of reading to do. 

I want to find a reading companion. Someone who will sit contentedly by and read while I read. Samantha was one of my very few.. in fact only friend who would do this with me.

I'm off to face this dreary day with a book by my side. My weapon from the ever knocking doldrums.