So, I've been doing a lot of thinking and re-reading my blog and I find that I'm getting pretty tired of the whininess it's taken on. I mean, I know shit times are happening, but really, I don't think the people who have passed on that mean so much to me would approve of this. Thus, I'm switching gears. I am moving on to greener pastures, in that I'm moving on to happier thoughts instead of harping on the useless, unhappy ones I've been spewing forth lately (I mean..how attractive is that?)
I began my new journal today. It's very exciting and red and HUGE and I love it. I spent five of it's very ginormous pages introducing myself and all of my importants (meaning important people) who will often be mentioned. This is by far the longest introduction I've ever written (I usually keep it to just a page or two), so I guess that means there's a lot of people out there and a lot of things that describe who I am right now. (write now.)
I know that people who read my blog and don't see me on a day to day basis must think that I'm worse off than I am. I have been spending a lot of time writing in my blog only when I'm unhappy, lonely, or angry, so it comes off as me being that way all the time. But the truth is, I am, for the majority, alright. "Hanging in there" is my favorite term to use. I spend a lot of time with friends and together, we spend a lot of time playing, laughing, joking, whistling, singing, and in general, just having fun. That's not to say that I don't miss Zachary or Samantha every day, because I do, but I know what they would want me to be doing and it would not be complaining or crying. Yes, these things are fine sometimes, but I'm tired of dwelling on them in my blog. My blog was not built for grief, it was built to surpass it and become myself again. So, let's focus on that from here on out, okay? I'm sure there will still be posts ranting and raving about Zach or Samantha and the subsequent feelings their deaths have put in me, but I'm going to use those sparingly. I mean, there's really only so much I can say on those topics anyhow and I feel I've exhausted them.
I was thinking on it (cogitations, ya know), and I realized that the reason, or one of them, that I felt that I was losing my words was because I was only focusing on one topic. And without realizing it, I had run out of things to say. So, I'm turning my attention to the future. The future is the cure all. On the other side of this time are my goals and like a safety line with a life saver at the end, they are pulling me through to the happier days.
After Samantha, I became very in tune with the natural world around me. I started planting things, creating life in the face of death. It brought me so so so so so much joy. So, to help cope with worrisome thoughts and to comfort myself, I purchased some lovely, tumbled rocks from Black Market Minerals on Thursday. I've been carrying them with me ever since and I have to say, I often find my stone of the day in my hand without realizing I'd even pulled it out of my pocket. That's a good sign, I think, and I like feeling connected to something so purely natural.
The weather is turning and with it I hope to turn my perspective. When I first wrote about Zach, it sounded, or felt, hopeful, because I was focused on "living as many moments happy as possible," which was something he'd taught me. But I think I lost that somewhere along the way and became obsessed with "Oh why me, oh you darn Zach, why'd you do that, I'm abandoned, sad, alone, etc." It's time to move past that and I know this. Why? Because I feel it, I feel myself being annoyed with myself. I feel that Zach would be annoyed with me for forgetting so quickly the things he took the time to implant within me. I feel like everyone else should be annoyed with me, too. Please don't reassure me that it's okay to have these "why me" thoughts, because I know that, but it's NOT okay to dwell on them so incessantly.
Life goes on. The world continues to turn on it's axis. People's birthdays approach and pass. Hair grows is cut and grows again. Shoes rip. Paychecks are issued. Creatures die. Creatures enter life. (Simba tells us, what is it? Oh yes, the Circle of Life.) Time ticks continuously without pause.
When in college and faced with an arduous project or intimidating test, I often used to remind myself, "Juliana, a week from now, you will not even remember or care about this project/test. You will have passed it and moved on."
And so, with that thought, a year from now, my life will be completely different if everything goes according to plan. Even a month from now, I can expect new things.
Now is the time for new beginnings. As I told Brittni when I announced to her Zach's death, a new era has dawned. It's not what I wanted or asked for, but it's what I've got and I will have to make due. Life isn't all bad. It's just life. And I've still got mine and despite tragedies, I still have so much to live for and so much potential and an amazing group of people, my importants, around me always. It's so surprising, though maybe it shouldn't be, to see just how many people really do care and want the best for me. Even people I thought had forgotten about me take the time to reach out to let me know they're there. Even people I don't know, but who know of me, let me know they care. It's incredible. And it is the fuel that will get me through.
So, everyone. Today, when you find yourself feeling down, feeling ousted by the world, feeling bitter, feeling lonely, just remember this: You are still here on this big beautiful wonderful planet, and yes, we are missing someone very dear, but that will never stop. We will miss for the rest of our lives, and new people will continue to get added to our missing list. Don't let that missing hold you back or keep you from being grateful for what you've got. Remember Zach, Remember Samantha, Remember your parents, your friends, your children, your siblings, your pets, your loved ones, and for their sake and in their name, live happily. It's what they would want and that cannot be negated.
When you're bogged down, step outside and breathe that air. That air in and of itself is a miracle. And so are you. And so is your existence here. Do not forget that.
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