You know, I used to equate Zach with home. Home is where the heart is, right? And he was where my heart was. And it's so unsettling to want to be home, but not be able to be home.
I listened to one of his songs today. A song he made while we were living together but that I never heard until after he was gone. It makes me cry because I just want so BADLY to talk to him about that song. To run right into his arms and let him hold me so I can cry for real. It hurts.
And now I'm worried about driving home. Driving home used to be a hard thing for me when we first moved in together because that was the time I'd call Samantha and we'd chatter away about nothing. I remember leaving him for the first time after we moved in last November for Thanksgiving. As soon as I got in my car after kissing him good bye and was on the way to merging onto the interstate, I was crying. I cried for so long. I hated leaving him behind. I could literally feel my heart pulling me backwards and was fighting it the whole way.
I know that sounds dramatic and/or pitiful, but it's true. I hated being separated from him. I still hate it, but I can't, absolutely cannot do anything about it.
And thus, I am so just.. forlorn and angry with him. So angry that he isn't there like he always was. So angry that I'd taken him for granted, that he'd taken himself for granted, and now we are just.. separated eternally. Until death do us together?
But by then.. who will I be? By then, who will I love? By then, will this kind of pain even matter anymore? Will it have been nullified? Replaced by another's love? I hate thinking these questions! But i do it anyways, because I'm curious by nature and can't help myself.
Siiiiggghhhhh. Zachary. Oh Zachary, my dearest. I wish so many things. But they don't matter. They cannot come to light. Maybe in dreams, but even there I find little relief. And I feel my face tingling with tears. And hurt. And sorrow. And fear. And just plain sadness. And I hate it, because I want you, YOU, to help me get rid of that feeling, and you can't. In fact, you're fostering these feelings.
I miss you, darling. I miss you so much I can't even comprehend it yet. My brain won't let me to protect me from myself. From what we had. I can't remember who you are. I can't remember what it felt like to live with you, play with you, walk, run, bike, sing, whistle, eat, love, laugh with you. I can't remember any of those things. And I hate that too, because you are way too important for me to just forget like that. Milena put it best. You are now a figment of my imagination. And I hate it. I hate looking at your pictures and NOT knowing who you are. Or..rather, knowing who you are, but not feeling what that means to me. How is that possible? How can so much love over such a long period of time engender little to no reactions from me? Those memories of you should make me cry. Make me fall to the ground, paralyzed with what we've lost. Grief should overwhelm me, Zach, and it doesn't. Where is it? I remember asking you that about Samantha. When will I feel the grief, Zach? And you just told me that I had been feeling it and that at that moment, I was probably just too tired to keep on feeling it.
And it scares me. Because the grief of her death lingered with me for so long, Zach. And I honestly don't want that to happen again. I don't want to be in grief for another year. Another long, dark year.
Earlier this week, I looked forward to going home. To catching a break, some R&R with my parents and siblings. But now I'm just scared of that car ride home. Scared of the time it'll give me to think and remember. Of the time it'll give me to yell, because I do a LOT of yelling in the car. Lots and lots of yelling and then apologizing for yelling. Who am I apologizing to? I think my car. Time to hurt. Time to realize what I've been missing these past three weeks. Just.. time, too much time to myself. I fear it. Because no matter how many hugs I get, how many people hold me close or tell me it'll be okay, I can't get rid of the grief, I can't be really consoled. Temporarily maybe. But it'll all come back.
Zach. Zach attack. Honey bean. Duckling pie. My sweet, sweet baby love. Where are you in all of this? How do you feel? How can someone so tall and so full of life leave and return in a cardboard box as ashes? How is that honestly possible? What are the chances that you'd leave me once and that would be the last time? Why would life allow that to happen? How could YOU allow that to happen? Didn't you worry about me? About your family? About Lucy?
Didn't you think about that?
God, Zachary. Just...
god. and sighs. and weariness. I am listless now. Truly. I remember learning that word and thinking, "Last year, I was listless."
Irony all over me. And frustration too. And confusion, throw in some confusion into that concoction please.
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