I'm feeling shy after my last post. Or maybe ashamed. Either way, it's funky.
When Samantha died, I never faced feelings of bitterness and anger towards her, just towards the world for being so cruel. Zach's death is different though. Ever since I visited our apartment on Wednesday alone for the first time since the day he fell, I've felt angry with Zach. I know it's...useless, because it's not like he could really help what happened once it happened or probably even realized he was putting himself in a risky situation, but I am. But couldn't he have thought, for a moment, that maybe he shouldn't have been that close?
Thinking these kinds of things are totally futile. I know.
So yesterday, when I woke up, I couldn't sleep anymore despite it being before 8 a.m. I find that the moment my brain starts thinking, I am forced out of bed because I can't face those thoughts. And besides, all night long when I'd wake up from my restless sleep, I'd look around the room expecting to see Zach standing in it, looking at me. I don't know why, but every single time I woke up, and it was at least 3 times, I looked around expecting to see him.
So I got up, and just went for a run. It didn't really make me feel any less angry, but it did wear me out. And i got to stomp some puddles really hard. That was nice. Acorns too. Zach used to laugh at me when we'd go on walks downtown and I'd crush every acorn we'd pass.
But.. anger is the general feeling. I want to yell at him. Rewind and ask him to reconsider his curiosity. You know what they say, right? And ironically, Zach never liked cats, but he certainly could relate to the adage now.
Tomorrow I face our apartment. I won't have to do it alone, thankfully, all of the boys are offering their help, and some of my adopted sisters too. Tomorrow another part of my and Zach's wonderful life dissipates. The remnants of our life slowly disintegrate. But tomorrow is the only other part of our life that must be disassembled in order for me to continue in life. I'll forever keep all the mementos I can, but an apartment cannot be kept.
I started studying for the GRE again yesterday. When I said that all this studying better be worth it and i better make a good score, it was because I had wasted so much time not hanging out with Zach to study instead. I better make a good score, because those were some of the last moments I could have had with him and I sacrificed them to prepare myself for this test. Zach would tell me not to regret that I was studying, that that thought is one of those thoughts that will needlessly torture you. So I'm not regretting it, but it better be worth it.
It's hard to escape these feelings. This whole world that has betrayed me two too many times.
I'm considering a memorial tattoo for both Samantha and Zach. The Jones' have all been considering one and the boys too, though everyone has something different they'd like to get. I'll have to work out a good idea though, I want something beautiful, something that purely represents the vivacity of these two.
I'm feeling kind of mechanical right now. Can you feel it too?
Here's something interesting that happened within the last 20 minutes. I was sitting outside on the front stoop writing in my journal, and just as I completed my entry, a little frog/toad hopped up to the stairs. So I said "Hello, frog" as I often do to anything that appears, and approached it. At first it hopped away from me, but I started moving slowly enough so that it let me stroke it's back and didn't run. So I started to rub the side of it's froggy face with my finger and do you know what that wild amphibian did? It leaned into my fingers, relished the tickles. So I started to tickle the other side of his face, to ensure it was my fingers he was leaning into and not some weird quirk, and sure enough, he began to lean the opposite direction into my finger tips. Then he just hopped away.
A wild animal has never trusted me like that. It was . . . whoa.
And I curl my feelings into my heart and slowly drift away.
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