It's just no good anymore since you went away. Now I spend my time making rhymes of yesterday.
I had this totally futile thought this morning right as I woke up. Maybe a realization finally put into words in my brain? Want to know what it was?
Samantha didn't want to die. Zach didn't want to die.
How can we know this? Plans. That's how. Samantha had PLANS for herself, for her LIFE. Zach had PLANS with me, plans of family, ones we were both excited to bring to light.
I feel kind of foggy lately. My brain is behind a gossamer veil and it's making me feel like I'm not controlling what I'm doing. It's also making me very unimaginative and keeping me far from clever. I sat down to write in my journal yesterday, and what I wrote is so mundane that I apologized for wasting an entry. Apologized to my journal. Ha.
I feel as though i'm being undermined somehow. My light and energy are being sapped straight from my corporeal and mental being. Vivacity is down. Maybe I'm getting sick. That doesn't seem too off, considering my snotty nose.
Yesterday I slept all day. All day. That's worrisome for me.. just because, I don't really ever do that. But, I have been spending as much time as possible awake lately.
The GRE is in two days. I'm spending today at the library. I finished studying vocab, but I need to review it, and there's still quite a bit of math I should go over.
I'm unfeeling today, I think. And was so yesterday, but mostly because I spent most of my time asleep. There's a pressure in my ears. I think this pressure is part of that diaphanous dupatta, i can't listen to myself think.
BLEG! I want to make the most exasperated noises possible.
Saturday I had a breakdown. I'd spent the entire day Friday with friends for birthday fun and Saturday morning, after breakfast, we were all sitting in the living room watching Rushmore, a movie I'd been dying to sit and watch with Zach (along with 1941) but never got a chance to do so. I was on the floor, to stretch out, and turned to my left to find a sister and a friend paired off together in a very comfortable looking slumber.
I turn to my right to find yet another sister and another friend paired off together, also safely sleeping on one another.
Not that there is anything wrong with that, but imagine, just imagine how abandoned that made me feel. Wide awake. And totally alone with no one to lay on me or me to lay on. Not too long ago, there would have been someone for me.
To be clear, these pairs were the only people I was keeping company with at the time.
One is the loneliest number.
So I went to the back porch and sobbed. Sobbed. Felt sorry for myself. Felt sorry for Zach. Felt sorry for our relationship. Felt sorry for Samantha and our relationship. Felt sorry. I hate this portion of life I'm living through right now. My mom told me that it's a portion of life I have to navigate utterly alone because no one can understand what I'm feeling due to the nature of the relationships I had with both Samantha and Zach.
Alone. Wow. Literally this time. It's like Life is just saying to me, "Juliana, you think you were alone then, back when you felt friendless? Well guess what, I'll give you friends, but you'll still be alone. You up for that challenge?"
And to life I say, "Well, Life, doesn't look like I have much of a choice, now does it?"
Anyways, in my despair Saturday morning, I called upon Milena. And holy cow, can that girl just... take every negative thing you have floating around in your emotion potion, winnow them out, and make you feel as normal as possible again. It was so strange. I was surprised that by the end of Saturday, I'd laughed SO hard and felt just so.. at peace again.
My mom helped too. She sent me comments for my blog and I can't tell you, or anyone, how much they helped me. It's sort of like this. I'm going along in life, feeling things and not really understanding them. Talking about them, hoping to find understanding that way. And though my own words in a blog help me sort through things, I don't really get too far with understanding. My mom's comments though, were like the missing pieces. The removed (at first I put "objective" but being my mother, I don't think she can have an objective point of view about me, right?) point of view I needed from someone who KNOWS me to understand what's going on in this brain of mine.
A quick list of coincidences before I leave:
Samantha died from brain injury.
Zach died from brain injury.
Robin's brother was killed by a waterfall.
Robin's son was killed by a waterfall.
Samantha was my best friend.
Zach was my best friend, and more.
Zach was scared of heights.
Zach fell 80 ft to his death.
Samantha and Zachary were both risk takers. Samantha was a klutz and constantly fell down, Zach put himself in situations that required falling.
Samantha and Zach both lived more than I have in my 23 years. But despite their utter love of life, they both passed on.
*Edit, October 1st*
I thought of another coincidence.
Zach died in a beautiful place. Sky Falls, NC
Samantha died in a beautiful place. The Botanical Gardens - Clemson, SC
*end edit*
wahh! Anyways, off to study.
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