Here I am, back at step one of the grieving process. Ironic? Yeah, I'm going to have to have a little chat with this "Ironic" thing, because it's really just been spending too much time in my life. So begins Post Sixteen.
Ow. I'd be lying if I said I feel happy right now. Last night was the first night I went to bed alone and woke up alone. I'm practically forced into sleep when i hit that pillow to avoid thoughts and forced out of bed the moment I realize it'll take effort to fall back asleep.
I'm back home with my parents for just the night to pick up the things I'd left when I returned to Charleston for Zach's funeral.
Did I really just say that? Zach's funeral?
I'm at a total loss. I don't know what to say. I have a hard time knowing how I feel. Here, let's try to define it: RIGHT NOW = I feel.. really really pissed off. I feel confused. I feel scared. I feel so so so heartbroken. I feel robbed. I feel exhausted. I feel like living stone.
Today is the 14th. It has been 11, count them, 11 days since Zach died.
I want to curse so badly, but this being public, I know how that would go.
but.. WHAT THE FUCK!?
I keep asking myself all kinds of questions. Like.."Who am I going to be?" "What happens to me now?" "Will I ever have someone like him again?"
And then I argue with myself immediately after, "You can't possibly know the answer to these things, so sit back and just live until they happen." I want to know where this logic came from.
That's why I'm so confused. I feel grief, I mourn sometimes, but then this strange, logical, practical something, not a voice, not an essence, but.. an emotion? feeling? takes over me and scolds me for spending time grieving. I'd like to blame Zach for that, but...
I don't know.
I just don't know ANYTHING. And I can't. And I never will. If life wanted to make sure I was aware that I am not omniscient, it sure as hell did a fabulous job of A) letting me know and B) rubbing it mercilessly in my face.
Zach was, is, will always be unlike anyone I've ever known. He was/is/will always be the most influential person in the shortest amount of time. He taught me to breathe and relax. He taught me to stop fretting the small things. He taught me that I'm in control of how life makes me feel. He taught me that I am wonderful and talented and worthwhile.
Goddddammmiiitttgoddddammmiiitttgodddaammmiiit (i'm sorry mama, but there is nothing else. One time i tried to find a word to replace an explicative, i thought really long and really hard, but the words i came up with just didn't add the same kick to my message).
I haven't cried about Zach for a little while until this morning. Not since Saturday, three days ago. I've been having a hard time, I guess, understanding the loss? No...I don't know, that doesn't seem right.
Alright STOP.
Start over. Here's what it is:
Zach's life was about life. It was about doing whatever he wanted to do so long as it made him happy. If anything prevented him from feeling the best, he said, "Later punks" and got the hell out of there. Zach's funeral/death was ALSO about life. About living the life that made you happiest and about enjoying all of it. About playing like you're still 7 years old and imagining you're a super hero.
Zach's life with me was nothing but love. Shameless, accepting, pure love. I could totally be myself and Zach could, too. We didn't judge. We were that stupid bible verse to the T. Love is patient, love is kind, love doesn't pass judgement, love is everything blah blah blah. That was us. Patient, kind, totally accepting, all encompassing, the reason I made it through everyday, even in my darkest hours.
I don't know what his friend's know about this, the love we shared. My friends, not just his, I guess. I don't know if they understood how much he meant to me and me to him. Once, when he was called away from me, he told me, "No one ever seems to understand the aweseomeness I'm missing all the time." And that's a quote to the T because I have a lonnnnnngggg text message history to be accessed on my phone.
And I know everyone is missing Zach. I see it in everyone's faces. Hear it in their voices. Notice it in the lost sparkle they all used to have.
But no one knows, understands, and maybe never will, the awesomeness that has been taken from us, me & zach. Our whole life changed in one sentence. I can't remember it word for word, but I believe it went something like "Zach died." Maybe an "Oh honey" was thrown in there first.
Getting sidetracked, this is the first time I'm blog working through my thoughts, so please excuse the just.. scatteredness.
Back on track:
Zach's life was just downright fun filled. So every time I start to feel myself slip into the grief of losing him, a grief I probably will never be able to face completely because that's a mighty large grief, I begin to think of his life and the lessons he taught me and the advice he'd give me for dealing with Samantha's death and being a downer in general.
Live, Juliana. Live and enjoy life. You only have one, and everyday is a gift. It's so cliche sounding, I know, but it's exactly what I have learned.
So I don't know. I don't think I'm avoiding grief, I just think it's being blocked by that lesson, that idea of spending as many moments happy as possible. I like to think Zach's doing this, helping me remember this, filling up my brain when I get down and removing bad feelings and replacing them with grateful ones.
But I don't know if I'm just deluding myself thinking that.
Plus, I find that I can't put those sad feelings on him. I can't explain that either other than he was just so happy all the time, it's difficult to feel sad whenever I think about him.
And I still feel him everywhere. With Samantha, I felt her LOSS everywhere. And when I'm hanging out with the whole gang, I have a hard time ignoring the lack of Zach's physical presence, but I feel him still. Something inside of me has changed. And I feel that maybe part of Zach's essence has embedded itself right into mine and that's why I feel like he's still hovering around.
WAH!
Life, kids, is incredibly whack. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't offer any explanation or understanding. It doesn't stop going, either, so you can't just . . . pause. It's so ironic that my entry before the entry announcing Zach's death talks about imminent change, departure, and death. How right I was.
But don't worry for me. I'm strong. Everyone keeps telling me this, and it must be true, because I'm still capable of laughing, singing, playing, and loving, and i've been doing these things on a daily basis despite the tragedy. Plus, it's nothing I haven't already been prepared for or been through. And it helps that I was able to pinpoint my mistakes in mourning with Samantha's death. Be assured that I have been chattering non-stop about Zach to anyone who will let me. I feel kind of bad, like i'm being greedy, but it's been the most help. Plus, I haven't pulled into myself, yet. I worry that I might, but so far, so good. I've been surrounding myself with our friends and our family and often I find that brings me so much peace and normalcy.
Sometimes I feel trapped, though. Sometimes I feel like i just want to break free of all of this, burst out of my life and into someone else's, fly out the door and down the street on a bike, by foot, flying, whatever, as long as it's the fastest I can go. In fact..I dreamt about running through a school last night (just woke up from that dream), as fast as I could, with all of these people chasing me, not to punish me but because they wanted me to come back to them, and I just ran and ran and ran and turned sharp corners and sometimes almost got caught, but for the most part, had an incredible time being unstoppable.
Eventually I did stop and was "caught" but, i wanted to be by that point.
I've also had dreams of suddenly finding myself driving in dense fog and realizing I have NO idea where I am or where I'm going. So i fiddle with the headlights, and though both settings allow me to see a little further into the distance, I can't decide which one allows me to see the best.
Haha, it makes me laugh. I used to have metaphor dreams pretty regularly, but I haven't at least since Sam's death. When did my brain become so...clear on what I'm feeling?
And I guess that's the end of this post. I've run out of things to say. I've probably offended some of you, considering the appearance of the f-bomb. I guess I'm sorry for the affront, but I'm not sorry I said it.
Today, and for the rest of my life, I will live as Zach lived and would want me to live. Today I will enjoy every thing that I can. Today, if I play, I will play so hard that I will walk away with scrapes and bruises. Today I must carry on, not just for me, but for my best friend, Samantha, and for my beloved, Zachary. Today I am a woman of three lives.
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