Post Twenty: Person Block

My essence is losing it's words again. I feel myself doing what I did before. I've run out of new things to say, because it's always just the same old feelings everyday. So I don't say them as much anymore because I'm tired of hearing them, i'm tired of the persistence. I'm tired of my voice.

same feelings, same words, same voice. nothing changes.

so to save those around me, and myself, i stop words. I don't stop feelings. Do I? am i feeling? I can't tell. somehow, i can't tell what i'm feeling. i guess that also stops words too.

If I stop my words, for whatever reason, I will lose myself. I know that. Because I'll keep all the same repetitive thoughts cached and they will stack up and up and up and up and up with no outlet. And I'll spend all my time inside my brain trying to sort through the mess.

But despite knowing that, i don't think I can help myself. My dad says to not try to do anything, to just be myself. But myself can sometimes be self-destructive in that I will refrain from expressing myself because of embarrassment, annoyance, weariness.

My favorite word right now, since I'm still studying that stuff, is tantalize. It's never been so fitting for me. I have been tantalized. and I don't know when or if that will ever stop.

do I make any sense anymore? i can't tell.

*Edit 30 minutes later*
I've begun reading The Year of Magical Thinking. Lindsey, Zach's older sister, gave it to me. In it I found the words describing exactly what I'm feeling:
"sensations of somatic distress occurring in waves lasting from twenty minutes to an hour at a time, a feeling of tightness in the throat, chocking with shortness of breath, need for sighing, and an empty feeling in the abdomen, lack of muscular power, and an intense subjective distress described as tension or mental pain."

Adding that to the Beatles post, it appears that though I am losing my own words, other people have kindly provided theirs for me to pull from. So while I may be unable to tell you what's happening to me, they will be able to do so in my place.