Post Two: I want

I want, so badly. I want, I want, I want. Every day. Every night. I want.

What is it that I want? What will quell these nerves?

I don't know. I've been searching all my life. And I simply, do not know.

And with everything that's happened lately in life, I haven't really given myself the time and space to figure out what it is I want. And with the stifling job I have now, I can't imagine as well as I want to. I don't have the freedom to.

Without knowing what my future self will desire, I shall try to explain to you now what it is that I think I most want.

Freedom.

Freedom from society. From the tangles of jobs. Bills. Cars. Grocery stores. Garbage disposals. Turning signals. Gas stations.

All of those tiny things we created to help our lives be easier that, in turn, have only really created lives so simple we can't escape them and experience Lives. Lives vs lives. We can't. Why? Well..because, why would we? Why would we want to leave the comfort of our appliances, technology, steady paycheck, transportation? Why would we want to abandon stereotypes, fads, accessories? What else is there?

But..we should. We should. Sometimes, I long for a massive blow to civilization so that we'll be forced to start again. Forced to resume our positions as the controllers of our Lives, because with all of our inventions, we've lost control of our lives. I don't control my life. My job does. My car does. My apartment does. My relations do.

I merely nod and live through it. It's not my Life. It's a person's life. I'm not Juliana. I'm a person.

It's just not right. I'm having trouble working it all out. And frankly, I'm bitter. I doubt I'm alone in that.

Life has let me down. You go to school for a million and half years, you graduate, you go to some more school, you graduate, and for what? Your dreams? I don't think so, because I haven't seen my dreams since my senior year of college.

No. You go to school for society. So society will look upon you with favor. So society will grace you with a job you never wanted but will help you live through...society.

Well. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of myself in this state of mind. I'm sick of myself because this isn't myself. This is every one else's version of myself. Their support and their decision and their encouragement. And it's all led me to this. A customer service representative who's favorite hobbies are secret to her closest relatives.

And yes, okay, I'm being a bit dramatic. This isn't the end of the line. The end of the road. This isn't life as I will know it forever. In fact, I'm intending to change it at the very end of this year. Moving to a different place. Taking on an adventure I'm not even sure I'll begin and if I do begin, I'm not even sure I'll complete. But..for now, the thought is enough.

I want. I want. I want. I want to be free of this place. Be free of these ideas of who everyone thinks I am. I want to be my own person. I want to escape Charleston. Escape civilization. Regain myself in the solitude of outside. Outside cities, towns, airports, malls, parking lots, interstates, post offices, dmvs. Outside and away and up over it all.

Shed my skin, begin again.

If I have not created a life for myself in the next 10 years in which I am the sole controller. I am the one in charge. Then. I will just have to force myself to throw it all away and begin again.

Shed my skin and begin again.

Someday, I will have enough windows to wash my home in sunlight and fresh air. I will have enough space to spin about or lay on the ground and not run into anything. I will have enough of a yard to run and run and run until I can't see my starting point. I will have enough freedom to think and invent and create beyond anyone's expectations.

I will, someday, be who I want to be. But first.. I must shed my skin. And begin again.

And I will. In approximately 10 long months. Shackles.