Today is St. Valentine's Day and I cannot get over how stinkin' excited and full of love I feel because of it. I really should make an effort to feel this way everyday so I can give my love to Zach everyday like he deserves!
Today when I left him to come to work, it was suckier than normal and all because today is the day everyone pines for their significant other. And I can't be with mine, despite his having the day off, because I'm at work. But I'm going to make every effort to get to him when I can. For example, on my 1 hour lunch break, I will be speedily driving to him so I can spend an extra 25 minutes with him today. :) ah, love.
About a year before I began dating Zach, I had ended an almost 5 year long relationship with my first ever serious boyfriend. As my time with Zach grew and grew (and keeps growing), I began noticing the differences between my and Zach's relationship and my and my ex's relationship. For example, I feel that I love Zach as much as he loves me. In my old relationship, I felt he loved me more than I loved him. It didn't feel balanced and equal. Furthermore, I feel that I am Zach's equal as a peer and I was not with my ex. This was due to differences in school, intelligence, love of reading, etc .
Basically, Zach is a better match.
But also, now, after being in a relationship with Zach for over a year and having a handful of gift giving experiences under my belt, I have also realized that I do not do special things for Zach the way I did in my first relationship. Whatever that excitement was that made me go out of my way and create a painting, a loving card, an entire journal's worth of adoration for my first relationship isn't apparent in my relationship with Zach.
For his birthday, I bought him what he asked me to buy him, but first, he had to go with me to the store to pick it out. He doesn't seemed bothered by this and really does love the gift I got him, but it felt so heartless and lazy, like I didn't have the time to put the deserved thought and care into his gift. This is basically how it's gone for Christmas and our Anniversary as well.
And now, it's Valentine's day and have I got anything special planned? Well..no. Partly because we had originally planned on NOT celebrating Valentine's day other than hanging out together because we have so many gift giving occasions at the beginning of the year (His birthday, followed within two weeks by Christmas, followed within about three weeks by our Anniversary.) and partly because I didn't really think it was going to be important for us.
So.. great. So now, I feel like I'm not putting enough effort into this relationship. I'm not conjuring up thoughtful, customized gift ideas for the man I love, and it's just.. not acceptable, because Zach is better than anyone I've ever met. He's funny and handsome and charming. He's logical and understands things on such a simple level that I can't seem to grasp and, as a result, always has the best advice for handling touchy situations. He's inventive and clever too. And talented! He does the things he loves without apology.
Not to mention, he started out as my best friend when we first met. He's everything that I've ever wanted and looked for in a person. Down to a T. Down to the very fact that I've always wanted to fall in love with someone who loved me before I loved him and didn't give up on pursuing me. And that is EXACTLY what Zach is.
He deserves the best. The very best. My very best. He deserves everything good that I could create and give him. He deserves my attention and care and adoration and love. He does not deserve indifference and stand-offishness. Though he's too patient to ever mention it.
I must make an effort to be as loving as I once was. I must make an effort to live every moment in this relationship exactly as I would have in my first. Because, despite the fact that I love him very very much, I simply feel I am not doing enough. Not doing my best. Not making him feel as amazing he is.
And so, this St. Valentine's Day, I will be turning the attention away from me and focusing all of my goodness and love on Zach. Making today the very best I can. Starting with my lunch break. And the 2nd step is a cheeseburger.
Zach, my love, you are amazing in a way I can never describe. I love you so much it's hard for me to comprehend and the very attempt of telling you makes me feel foolish because I can't imagine loving anyone this way, but I can feel it. I hope you know. I hope I tell you enough.
Happy St. Valentine's day!
No comments:
Post a Comment