This blog is a secret. For now.
I'm starting it because I miss myself. I miss the girl who could write and who loved to read what she wrote. I'm trying to bring her back. That's why I'm here. And so.. here it goes:
Nine months ago, my best friend died. Everyone who knows me knows this. It's hard to not know it. It was the single most enormous tragedy of my life. How could anyone avoid it?
She died by combination of roller blades sans practice and hilly terrain. Oh.. and an unfortunately placed guardrail. She died suddenly. She died with only hours of warning. She died without having spoken to me that day. She died without having seen me in a week. Which, though it may seem long to some, is a really lucky thing. Because before the week before, I hadn't seen her in months.
But the point is, she died. She left. She went away, never ever to return, except for my dreams.
We had been friends for nine years. Probably almost ten, but who's checking the facts?
Nine years.
Think about it.
That is almost half of my life. Half of my life being best friends with her. Then.
We come to a screeching halt.
And it doesn't help that she died the day after I graduated from college and two days after she'd graduated. Life was already changing for the both of us. And then her's was taken and mine was mangled.
It took a really really really really really really long time for me to get over it. I'm still working on it, but for the most part, I've regained control of my life.
I've got a steady job, boring, but steady. And it pays well. I've got a really awesome boyfriend whom I live with. I'm making new friends. I'm regaining confidence in life.
But I'm not me. I'm not the girl I was 9 months ago. I'm a mutant version of her. And..that's okay. I don't think anyone expected me to be the same again. I know that Samantha's (for that is her name) death is largely to blame for my change, but graduating has a hand in it as well.
When she died, everything about my life changed. I wasn't in school anymore already, but I also quit working at the restaurant I'd worked at for the past two years in search for a more fulfilling job. I stopped making efforts to visit with my friends I'd earned in college and the professors who'd mentored me along the way. I moved out of my house I'd been in for over a year and moved into a two bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. I gave my pet away. (a rabbit, if you were curious). I delved more deeply into unnamable hobbies. And, for the first time ever in my happy life, I experienced the loneliness of grief. Subsequent depression. Etc. Etc. You know the story.
As a result, I lost my confidence. I lost my self. I lost my. .
self-confidence.
I lost it.
For anyone who's ever experienced it, I'm sure they'd agree when I say that it's a strange feeling to lose oneself. Because..without yourself, making decisions becomes a whole heck of a lot harder. And this is the time in my life when decisions must be made.
So, what have I done? Simply not made them.
But, fortunately, I can feel myself coming back around. No, I won't be the same. Duh.
No, I won't necessarily care for the same people I did before. (That largely depends on how they compare to my all time greatest friend. Which basically means, whether I stick with them is no longer in their power, but hers. But that's another story for another time.)
I can feel me becoming me again. Want to know why?
Because I'm starting to make my decisions. They aren't the same decisions I would have made before, but they are decisions. Personally, I think they're pretty good ones, but only time will tell.
Anyway. This blog is for me. Privately.To overcome the issues I've developed and come to know as my personality. To complain. To confess. To be myself. Whoever she is.
Because the only person who knew me for myself is gone. And it's too late to start being myself with everyone else.
So.
Welcome to the Ringlet Circus.
Enjoy your visit.
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