Post Eight: They Say I Torture Myself

When will I be normal again? When will I be okay with being alone? Does that level of sanity ever come back?

I'm pathetic right now. If you could see me, you would be embarrassed for me, and for yourself for seeing me. I'm embarrassed of me.

My last relationship sucked because I wanted to spend more time with him than he wanted to spend with me. It was awful. It was so bad. It caused lots of tears and lots of stress.

And i know that Zach loves me, but right now, I feel like the same pathetic girl from my last relationship. the one that wanted to hang out with him more than he did her. It makes you feel lame. To the maximum. Like the person you love most has no respect for you. And that's how i feel. alone and lame. and respect-less.

It wouldn't be so bad if i had someone i know that i could call who i know wouldn't judge me and accept me despite my lameness and respect-lessness.

but i don't.

i am trapped in my own life.

Sometimes, i worry that my own children will overpower me. i'm that pathetic. When will i learn to stand up for myself? To do the things and demand the things i want. Everyone else around me has no fucking problem with being ego centric, and yet, i find it hard to be ego centric back.

I hate this. I hate being alone, when i want nothing more than to be with my person. my #1 person.

i could go on forever about what i want. but, no one cares. so why the hell do i bother. this blog..

what a waste.

what's worth writing about if no one is going to read it?
me?

a waste.
good night.