Or maybe I need people to know what I'm feeling more than I thought I did. Because lately, I've been feeling so so so lonely. Pretty much. All the time.
But. Before I begin again. I ask you, readers, whomever you are, if you're even there, to refrain at all costs from talking to me about this blog in real life. Comments can be shared, like my Mama does, over the internet, but do not bring this up with me in person. Because if you do, I'll surely retreat again. (As in, I never want to hear the word "blog" uttered to me in person referencing this blog.)
Additionally, keep in mind that I am not writing this for the readers. I am writing this for myself so that I may at least imagine that someone out there knows what I'm feeling so I don't constantly just want to shout at random people the raucous in my head. So also, refrain from asking me to post again or more often or more frequently. Because that's not the point. I post when I want to because I need to. Plain & simple.
Okay, now that I'm done chastising.
Everyday for the past week when I get into my car, I cry. Everyday. It's not pretty. And it hurts a lot. Because I cannot share that time of day with anyone. That "me" with anyone. But I'm dying to. I'm dying to hurl myself at my peers, to dump every crappy feeling obtained throughout the day and added to the already crappy feelings I've been carrying around right on them. So they can freaking take me seriously for one god donut second. and so they can help me help myself.
It's not fair to want to do that, I know. So. Back to the blogging.
The week before this one, I was feeling very differently about myself. I was feeling super empowered. Like nothing could bring me down or defeat me, ruin me, break my confidence. But, I don't know. I've lost it and that's probably as temporary as every other phase of my emotions, but it feels long and it's dragging me around.
And because of whatever phase of whatever time of emotion I'm in, I'm losing my ability to just take delight in small stuff. And that sucks. Because that's the only thing that was saving me. Even things that make me happy make me cry now, and then i just cry more because I'm crying because happy things make me cry because they are so few because i am sad.
phew.
I'm feeling very lonely and very full. Lonely because i can't share what's going on with me honestly to anyone. No one can understand, and that's alright, I'm not upset with anyone for that because it's just not really possible, but I sure would appreciate if someone I respected or felt like good friends with would take the time to sit me down and really ask me how I'm doing and really listen to my answer so that I can really answer them for real for once for real for once for. real. for. once.
And it's funny, because there are SO many friends around. A lot of them have this neat knack for forgetting common courtesy. And that hurts. That adds to the hurt. And yeah. makes me feel pretty unwanted a lot of the time. so hip hip hooray! I mean. Is it impossible to hang out with me UNLESS I ask you to? Must I always do the inviting? It makes me feel annoying and rejected. I don't need that now. So i think to myself, okay, i'll stop asking and wait to be asked.
But so far, if i stop asking people, they never ask me. so. conundrum.
And a lot of them don't have the time, and that's not on purpose and can't be helped. i'm not saying that to point fingers or blame, but it just sucks.
and some of them aren't here or anywhere near here. which also cannot be helped, but also sucks.
And I KNOW that everyone has their own way of dealing with things. And everyone has their own life. And their own problems. But please be assured that I am just as happy to take the brunt of your venting or take on your problems if it means that you will take on mine.
And i'm happy to do what you want to do. if you're happy to sometimes do what i want to do.
I'm happy to be your friend. for real. not for sympathy. not for niceties. not because i want to be polite. but for real.
Anyhow. So "lonely", part one of the downness.
And full, let's tackle that. I am full of a lot of things. I am full of this welling scream. It grows bigger and bigger and pushes at my skin and makes me feel like a bicycle tire with too much air pumped into it and still more being pumped. And that is mostly frustration, I suppose. And i feel it most when I'm alone. Because that's when I most start to think about Zach and shock myself with the reality of my life and his death and our freak of nature swing from complete happiness and simplicity and love to complete shit. god donut.
And i'm full of anger or.. animosity for some people around me for being so careless. so thoughtless. with such a fragile thing. And so..not honest. Be honest. I want your honestly, even if it's mean, because then i won't torture myself trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Not being honest is being thoughtless and careless, too, you know.
And i'm full of defeat because I just can't help it right now. Because, well.. look around me, how couldn't I help it? Everything I've put my effort in for quite some time has known defeat. failure. crumbliness.
I'm full of restraint. because if i wasn't a number of things would have happened by now. Like. I'm pretty sure I'd yell at some people, a lot. and hurt feelings because.. whoa are there some dense people out there. I'm pretty sure I'd have packed up all my favorite things and just run away. Or i'd sleep for a million years because dreams have proved to be so much better than real life.
Don't be scared. I'm just venting. But be aware that sometimes, i feel like these things. sometimes all at once. or sometimes one at a time. or sometimes not, which i guess is indicated by the word "sometimes".
I'm really really really really missing zach and missing my old life, my happy life. I'm missing how easy it was. i always knew what to expect. I always knew zach would be home waiting for me when I'd returned from work, or whatever errand or friend hangout i was on. I always knew we'd fall asleep together and in the morning, he'd be the first thing/person i'd see, smell, feel. That he'd be there to grab my towel for me if i forgot it. or to cook my dinner. or to do some masterful grocery shopping. to help me pay bills. or take care of me when i was sick. if nothing else, i knew that my safe haven was going to be there when i needed it, our apartment together, god no one can ever know how much we loved it. how much i loved it. it's something we talked about all the time. and how happy i was to be there and spend all my hours whiling away there. I knew that even if i was home alone at the time, i wasn't really alone and soon zach would be back. It was the only real home i've known since moving from home.
but now. i know none of that. i don't know if anyone will be awake or available when i need someone or return back to the house. i don't know if anyone will be willing to help me unwind at the end of the day. I don't know if anyone even wants to go do fun stuff with me. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know where I belong. I don't know how to interact with people normally. I don't know who really wants to be a friend or who's just being a friend out of obligation. I don't know who i can trust. Or who cares. Or who wants to know what new clothes I found. Or who wants to know what one table said to me. Or who wants to know about some random thought I had during the day that i feel like sharing. or what even will make me happy.
it's pretty startling, when i really think about it, where I am now and where i'd prefer to be and where I'd thought i'd be. I guess almost everyone feels that way though. It's not just me. but still. what a freakin change.
twice in two years my life radically changed. You'd think i'd be pretty practiced at it, but it's still a tough case to crack.
man. i've really let you have it, eh? I hardly even know what i've just blasted about. or if it makes any sense. or flows in any sort of way. or if i'll feel embarrassed about it later. But i'd rather have it here, than have it in my head. because that just plain will make me insane. if i'm not already. sometimes, i really wonder.
so there you have it. a lot of whaaa and boo hoo. i'm sure it's what you've been missing.
i'm just overwhelmed. and not well, because i can't help it, even if i try to.
i need any one of my PEERS, male, female, homosexual, heterosexual, working or jobless, single or not, familiar with this state of mind or untouched by tragedy, silly, serious, patient, restless, to look at me and really see what's going on. because i can't be trusted (no, not even me) to tell you or show it. But i'll bet you a million and a half dollars, that if you gave me a hug, it would change the flow of my entire day. it would make me feel at least a little bit accepted for what i am even if what i am sucks right now.
okay thanks for enduring those who endured.
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